Conflicted Over Family

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Conflicted Over Family

Postby aspen13 » Mon Nov 15, 2010 6:45 pm

I am just kind of clearing my mind.

I haven’t talked to my eldest sister for about a year and a half. (neither have my mom and other sister). There are things she has done to hurt us, intentionally. For years we forgave her, but now are fed up.

Here is one reason I am mad. When our grandpa died my aunt asked her to let us know we could speak at his funeral if we wanted. What she told us was that she was asked to speak as his funeral. Then after the funeral my aunt gave out crosses to family member, she asked my sister if we all got one and she told my aunt she personally gave us one, but she never did. My aunt told us this about a year later and was upset.

My sister always has to be center of attention and will lie and manipulate people to be the center of attention. My mom and my sister have other reasons too, worse reasons.

Well, this weekend a friend of my sisters died in a motorcycle accident, and her friends husband is in very serious condition. I called her to give my condolences. She started to cry and said it makes her think about the family and how she really misses us all. I told her we all have issues and maybe one day we can work them out.

The problem is she hasn’t changed. Just a few weeks ago there was a rumor she started that my step-dad was planning on leaving my mom. Anyone who missed the “family” would have called their mother to make sure they were okay. Not spread the gossip like entertaining news.

I got emotional as well, because I do love her. I just don’t miss the drama. I am taking my niece to the movies this weekend and told her I would stop in to say hello to them. The thing is I can’t forgive her right now. I don’t want to upset her, but if she asks I want to tell her that I can’t forgive her. One day we can talk about it, but I am not ready to fully accept her into my life. I don’t mind being cordial, but I don’t want to even have a casual relationship with her.

I am second guessing telling her I would stop in to say “hi” when I pick up my niece. I think if she asks I will stand by the fact that I have issues, but I am not ready to reconclie.
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Re: Conflicted Over Family

Postby chrisw » Mon Nov 15, 2010 7:36 pm

I am sorry you have to deal with this situation. I hope she gets the help she needs and you can eventually reconcile.
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Re: Conflicted Over Family

Postby aspen13 » Mon Nov 15, 2010 7:42 pm

Thank you. I was going to say I don't like being the "bad guy". But I have to remind myself that is not what I am. I am just standing up for the way I want to be treated and the things I will and won't accept in my life. Part of me thinks it would be easier to just cut that entire part of the family out, but my sister has five kids and I feel obligated to stick it out. Honestly I don't really see the kids enough to have a "relationship" with them. I fee like I should be ashamed for not seeing them in the last six months. Another part of me is happy to be free of the drama my sister creates, and again I don't see the kids enough that I don't think it matters to them anymore...but it could and it would break my heart if I am hurting their feelings.

Agghh.
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Re: Conflicted Over Family

Postby chrisw » Mon Nov 15, 2010 8:15 pm

Sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand to protect yourself from the negativity and hurt. Your not being the bad guy, your protecting yourself from the bad...

I suggest cards to your nieces/nephews. This way they know you care. You can put your number in them with the offer for them to call for lunches/movies/etc if you want. If you have emails that works too but the writtten word is just so special, then again it might be different to their generation? Personally, it means more to me now to get even just one card on my birthday or any other holiday than the 100 emails and postings on facebook.
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Re: Conflicted Over Family

Postby Amy Joe » Tue Nov 16, 2010 9:21 am

I can only give my own personal experience with my only brother....a little over 2 years ago I let it all go....he has hurt me very much over the years. Just prior to surgery I cleansed myself, freed myself of any guilt, REALLY forgave him. Asked for forgiveness for what ever I had done to create such a dislike for my life style...the way I have brought up my kids. Not that I really needed or wanted it, it just felt like the right thing to do.

Honestly I was praying for a relationship with my brother, his wife and 3 kids. They are my family. My family (DH, 3 children) made the effort - they did this for me. We went to parties his family held....however when I invited them over my house...they were and are always to busy.

I have had long talks with my mother, about the hurt. She doesn't want to believe it....who could blame her. She knows how I feel, what I have been thru.

Christmas is just around the corner - again. My brother and his family want us all to come to HIS house. Mind you for many years it was an everyother hosting. His family has not come to my house in over 10 yrs.... This invite again was by my mother NOT his family. Reluctantly I have excepted WITH the condition that next yr be at my house....meaning my brother and his family have to come into the city.....of which they SO LOOK DOWN at me for.

I do this out of the utmost respect for my parents.

My point is this: Let go! You are not obligated to your neices & nephews. You will never come to peace in your life until you just forgive, you don't have to forget...there is a huge difference. You can let the hurt from the past go and keep the experiences as a guide for the future. I know my brother is a self-centered, prejurdice, selfish snob....I can't change that. I can however remain respectful because it makes ME feel good.

This has freed my life up to have other relationships that are meaningful.

Hope I have not come across to harsh, not my intent!

Amy Joe
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Re: Conflicted Over Family

Postby aspen13 » Tue Nov 16, 2010 10:38 am

No, not harsh at all. I thought I had let it go, I was doing fine. Yet she finds ways to create conflict. It’s also hard because my mom and my other sister seem obsessed with what she is doing in her life, I could care less. It’s none of my business, and I don’t need to/want to know.

My niece called me last night and said they would be in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by. My eldests sister had a baby about three months ago, who I hadn’t seen and she wanted to bring him by. I called and made sure it was okay with my husband and they stopped by for 20 minutes. We were cordial, I didn’t ask how she was doing I mostly asked how the kids are doing. I again told her I was sorry for the loss of her friend. She said she was going to add me to her FaceBook, she had deleted me over a year ago – which I told her I could care less about. I rarely go on, because it’s all childish drama. If she does invite me I will politely decline.

On my drive home I thought about the things I would tell her. That I am not ready to reconcile, and explain my reasons. I just don’t understand it. I would expect from most people (and I would act this way) that is someone was upset with them they would ask why, and how they could make it better. My sister ignores the fact that she has hurt us, and wants things to go back to normal, and not talk about it.

I don’t think I am ready to forgive, I have in the past, but she does something new. It’s not one thing she had done, but many over many years and she won’t change.

There are choices she has made, selfish one, and intentional hurt she has caused that I can’t forgive. It’s not that she is a snob or that she is just selfish, she actually manipulates and hurts people. I also don’t agree with her lifestyle, and that does make it hard. She took my 17 year old niece out of school so she could be her fulltime baby sitter. I don’t understand that and it angers me that she is so selfish she doesn’t even care what harm she is doing to her kids. She talks about doing drugs in front of my 17 year old niece. She buys herself clothes when her kids have holes in their shoes. She “rents” furniture without the intention of paying, that is stealing. She borrows money from family members and never pays them back. She has taken gifts we bought the kids and sold them, and used that money to buy herself things.

She would ask my grandma for money for x and spend it on y, and tell us not to tell our grandma what she bought. Then she would tell our grandma lies about us, so when we called we would get accused of things that weren’t true. In my grandmas obituary she wrote that she was her favorite of all the kids and grandchildren. That is just hateful.

Then she walks around like those things didn’t happen and when you try to let her in, she gossips about you.

Thanks for letting me vent! I think I should write her a letter and let her absorb these things and my reasons for not wanting to reconcile.
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Re: Conflicted Over Family

Postby keggler 1 » Tue Nov 16, 2010 11:32 am

Blood is thicker than water.....Regardless how she has been in the past doesn't necessarily mean she'll be that way for ever....My suggestion is to pray for her,and let God be the healer.As bad as things can get, it seems it can always be worse.

Keep reaching out to her and she will come around. Prayer is a powerful.

Later...Jerry in Carolina...
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Re: Conflicted Over Family

Postby aspen13 » Tue Nov 16, 2010 12:50 pm

I am not a very spiritual person. I do believe in redemption, but acceptance has to come first. I believe that until she accepts her role in this she won't change. I don't think or believe this will be for the rest of our lives, but am not willing to injury myself or my family anymore by continually subjecting myself and them to the hurt she causes. I appreciate your views, but I am not that spiritually evolved. I do know things could be a lot worse. I don’t think she’ll come around until she realizes the hurt she is doing.
CM DXed in 2004 - 9.3 MM herniation
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Re: Conflicted Over Family

Postby chrisw » Tue Nov 16, 2010 1:06 pm

It is totally ok for you to cut her out. There is nothing wrong with you and this decision. It is ok for you to both love her and cut her out of your life for your own protecting.

I hope your sister learns she is wrong and wants to redeem herself and your relationship. But if not its ok; You are special and its her loss.

It is also ok to feel bad and to come here for our support. We all know that you are a wonderful person and we feel for you.

Bear Hugs!

Chris
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Re: Conflicted Over Family

Postby razzle » Tue Nov 16, 2010 1:12 pm

Ditto on what Chris said . I dont have brothers or sisters . Concentrate on your family. she will cocme around . Dont know how old she is but sounds like she is wanting attention.
Hey we are here if you need us. ((((((hugs)))))))) Roz
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Re: Conflicted Over Family

Postby aspen13 » Wed Nov 17, 2010 3:48 pm

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I hope this conversation goes okay, she she doesn't try to get revenge like she does.
CM DXed in 2004 - 9.3 MM herniation
Pineal Gland Cyst DXed in 2008 - 11 MM
Degenerative Disc Disease L5 and S1
Hyperreflexia
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