Am I being to sensative?

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Am I being to sensative?

Postby aspen13 » Wed Nov 24, 2010 11:07 am

Am I being too sensitive? My husband has the option to take Thanksgiving off, but has decided to work so he can earn time and a half. I am going to my sisters and will spend it with my family, and told him I understand because he doesn’t really have a lot of fun there. My family is loud and he thinks it’s boring. I get not wanting to spend an entire day there.

His co-worker, a female, invited us over for Thanksgiving in the evening. She does have a boyfriend.

He told me on Monday that he told her he would be going over there when he got off work. I asked him if I am supposed to go and he said he thought I would be spending it with my family, but he would come home and pick me up first. He said he wants to go to her house because she doesn’t have any family here.

To clarify this morning I asked him if he RSVPed for just him, or both of us, and he said he would let her know that I was coming over too. So he had originally told her he would be coming over.

I told him I was upset about not being invited (by him), that I would like for him to spend Thanksgiving with his family, meaning me. Understanding he would work all day, but he would spend the evening with me, but made a commitment to go to his friends house. I had to invite myself and he said he thought I would want to spend Thanksgiving with my family. I am going to my sisters at 9:00 AM, his friend’s party starts at 5:00 PM.

I am not upset that he is going over there; I am upset that he wouldn’t RSVP for the both of us, so that we could spend Thanksgiving together. Spending it at her house is find, I just would have liked to have been invited by him.
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Re: Am I being to sensative?

Postby *Hope* » Wed Nov 24, 2010 12:21 pm

Eh, I can see why you were a little upset, but it seems to be fixed now. After he gets out of work you're spending the evening together, right? I would be seeing some major red flags if she didn't have a boyfriend, and if he encouraged you not to go with him. Since she's got a BF and he wasn't hesitant to pick you up right after work, then I think it's all good.

Guys are funny about work stuff. He's probably got his "provider" hat on and saw the time and a half as a good opportunity to make some extra money for your family. I can see how it would bother you that he didn't want to take the day off, but it probably isn't as big of a deal to him and he was a little clueless on your feelings. Guys usually don't think about these things as much or dwell on them like we do. Just let him know that you understand why he wanted to work, but that you really value the time together more than the extra cash sometimes. Put it out there for next time, you know?

I think this could have gotten very sticky, but it sounds like things worked out OK. Try not to stay upset about it or it'll ruin the evening that you do get to spend together. I hope you all have fun!
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Re: Am I being to sensative?

Postby aspen13 » Wed Nov 24, 2010 1:47 pm

I think he is upset with me now. I told him I may have been acting a little sensitive, and he told me I am being sensitive and jealous. It’s not really about her, it’s about him making plans to go over there and assuming I didn’t want to, without actually asking me what I wanted to do.

Their relationship has bothered me at times, in honesty. Like how she was making plans for him and the entire squad to go to Vegas, no wives/girlfriends invited. Which he kept a secret from me (I heard it from his brother), and said he did so because he knew the trip wouldn’t happen and didn’t want to worry me. Her boyfriend is actually the guy her best friend was in love with for years. So I can’t say I would trust her with my husband, if she would start dating a guy her best friend liked, what would stop her from stealing an acquaintances husband. When we do hang out, she is a very nice person and funny so I can see why he enjoys being friends with her.

He has since texted me twice and said he never RSVPed, but he told me earlier that he had talked to her about going over there. He said he can’t understand why I am upset and now won’t really respond.

I have to decide if it’s worth fighting over, and spoiling the weekend, like you said…
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Re: Am I being to sensative?

Postby Janice » Wed Nov 24, 2010 1:50 pm

Hope, that was very well stated, and I completely agree. I had a similar comment, but you said it so well, there's really no more to be said.

I hope you both have a wonderful Thanks Giving holiday!

Take care,
GOD Bless!
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Re: Am I being to sensative?

Postby *Hope* » Wed Nov 24, 2010 3:08 pm

Thank you so much, Janice! I hope you have a great Turkey Day too! Gobble Gobble. ha!

Aspen you've added a lot more info here now, and I just want to point out a couple of things. I hope I don't hurt your feelings, but sometimes it's good to get an outsider's opinion!

aspen13 wrote:I think he is upset with me now. I told him I may have been acting a little sensitive, and he told me I am being sensitive and jealous. It’s not really about her, it’s about him making plans to go over there and assuming I didn’t want to, without actually asking me what I wanted to do. OK, I totally get this, BUT this is nothing to ruin your holiday. You have to pick your battles and I honestly think you're wasting your energy on this one. Also, the following paragraphs do prove that it's somewhat about her...even if you don't want to admit it.

Their relationship has bothered me at times, in honesty. Like how she was making plans for him and the entire squad to go to Vegas, no wives/girlfriends invited. Which he kept a secret from me (I heard it from his brother), and said he did so because he knew the trip wouldn’t happen and didn’t want to worry me. I really don't see a lie or problem here. He didn't go on the trip and actually didn't hide anything if the trip never happened. You have to let this one go too. Who cares if she was planning a trip that he didn't go on? I can see why he wouldn't want to worry you about this one. Her boyfriend is actually the guy her best friend was in love with for years. So I can’t say I would trust her with my husband, if she would start dating a guy her best friend liked, what would stop her from stealing an acquaintances husband. This says more about her boyfriend that it does about her, and stealing your husband is an impossibility. One can not be stolen from another. One willingly cheats and/or leaves a partner. It's about how trustworthy your husband is - not about what a skank she may or may not be. If you do not trust your husband, then you need to tackle that separately and consider couseling. It could be very helpful. When we do hang out, she is a very nice person and funny so I can see why he enjoys being friends with her.

He has since texted me twice and said he never RSVPed, but he told me earlier that he had talked to her about going over there. He said he can’t understand why I am upset and now won’t really respond. It sounds like you're beating this dead horse to pieces. Ha. You have to let this go for now. What are you accomplishing by still talking to him about it? To him, all you're doing is riding his butt about this one subject after he's already fixed the problem by inviting you. He can't see why you can't let it go. To you, it's a multi-layered issue that involves some serious jealousy and trust issues. You have to decide if this is a battle you're willing to fight until the bitter end or if it's just not worth it. IMO, it's not worth it and you should talk to him about your feelings when you simmer down. Since he works with her I have a feeling this is going to be an ongoing problem. Telling your H that you're having issues with your feelings about her might help him see your side and he may reassure you of his feelings for you and not her. You have to hang on to your power. Do not let this worry you so much. If he's going to screw up, then riding him about it isn't going to help. If he's cheated on you in the past and you have serious reason to believe he may cheat again, then you really need to get into some counseling. Even if it's just for you. I'm sorry you're having a rough day. Fighting with a spouse sucks! ha. Hang in there, and don't let this ruin your weekend, K?

I have to decide if it’s worth fighting over, and spoiling the weekend, like you said…
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Re: Am I being to sensative?

Postby aspen13 » Wed Nov 24, 2010 3:56 pm

Hope, no you didn’t hurt my feelings. The truth is the truth and I am looking for advice.

I hate that I am riding his butt about it, I actually looked up a counselors numbers to start therapy. I can only work on my issues. The thing is I feel like when I let go of issues like this it’s because I just don’t care anymore, and not caring about things like this make me feel like I also care less about my husband – because I do feel that way. If that makes sense. I have told him how I feel about their friendship and have given it a chance. I do understand that what’s going to happen is going to happen, whether or not I “ride his butt”.

All I can do is work with what does or doesn’t happen, I get that. I think I was smothering him with this issue. At this point I am worried more about what it says about me, and how it makes me feel, then I am about actually going. Maybe it would be better if I didn’t go.
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Re: Am I being to sensative?

Postby *Hope* » Wed Nov 24, 2010 5:52 pm

Don't you dare stay home! If he goes, then you go. You already got that sorted out.

You get dolled up, hold your head up high, and go rock it. Don't even let the dark thoughts sneak in. Have a good time and try to take some deep breaths. You are using up WAY TOO MUCH energy on this. Go and try to have fun. You will feel so much better the next day than if you'd stayed home. You'll drive yourself crazy while he's gone, and then the fighting will only continue after he gets home. Don't stay home to hold it over his head either. The martyr thing is easy to pull and it's bad, bad, bad for a relationship.

Listen, chronic conditions can also make us all incredibly insecure at certain times..or just amp up the insecurities we already have. I think it's normal. Just don't let it dictate too much of your life. Also, if your H is a jerk, then don't let him make your insecurities worse. Some people are just buttholes. Ha! It's a delicate balance...knowing what's your issue and knowing when a partner being insensitive to our needs. I think it's good that you're looking for someone to talk to. There is no shame in that at all!

GO, have fun, own it! Good luck!
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Re: Am I being to sensative?

Postby Janice » Wed Nov 24, 2010 9:43 pm

*Hope* wrote:Don't you dare stay home! If he goes, then you go.
*Hope* wrote:You get dolled up, hold your head up high, and go rock it. Don't even let the dark thoughts sneak in. Have a good time and try to take some deep breaths.


Ditto! Ditto!
GOD Bless!
Janice

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Re: Am I being to sensative?

Postby aspen13 » Thu Nov 25, 2010 12:26 pm

So, I know I should drop the issue. This morning my husband and I were talking and he told me his friend wants a camera for her birthday and he said he found a good deal for one for $180. We have never spend that much on anyones gift, not my dad, his brothers, no-one. He said he was going to talk to her boyfriend about it and said she is his bestfriend and he wants to do something nice for her.

I shouldn't be upset, but I told him that is something nice her boyfriend should get her. If her boyfriend wanted to we could pitch in. We are going to Disneyland for her birthday (because she went to Magic Mountain for my husbands b-day a few weeks ago). My husband called and made reseverations at a nice place for us all in Disneyland for us to eat dinner. Last year I wanted to go to Disneyland, but we didn't. Yes, I am being a bit jealous about this. There have been times for my birthday that my husband didn't get me anything, not even a card. Othertimes he has gone all out and gotten me very nice gifts. He said he agrees that he should be careful not to cross any boundries.

I know I need to come to terms with their friendship.
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Re: Am I being to sensative?

Postby tennesseewalker » Fri Nov 26, 2010 4:23 pm

aspen13 wrote:This morning my husband and I were talking and he told me his friend wants a camera for her birthday and he said he found a good deal for one for $180.


Did you ask him to put both your names on the card? Then he and she will both be reminded that you are a couple.
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Re: Am I being to sensative?

Postby sheryl » Sun Nov 28, 2010 10:57 am

So no one is going to like this but what I am about to share comes from experience. To be aware, without being paranoid, is better than to be blind.....
I have been on both sides of what you are going through and I see 'red flags'.
First, to want to spend time with and give gifts to another person besides your spouse usually means there is an inappropriate affection being felt for that person. (Even if it is a feeling of 'protecting' that person, it is not his place being a married man to do so as it crosses a boundary.)
You can express your concern but trying to stop their friendship/relationship wont work as we cant stop anothers feelings/actions. You can be on guard, put up 'road blocks' where you can, and be the person he wants to be with more.
If most were honest I think most could say that they have felt an attraction toward someone other than their spouse. Some keep that secret and some have had it exposed, and some have taken it further than others did. An emotional affair is just as serious as a sexual one. It is those who give love, mercy, grace and forgiveness who have stayed together through it.
'We are all one step away from making a stupid mistake. No one is immune.'

Second, as for you spending time with your family and him working instead, I understand how your husband feels in wanting to avoid being there. For 20+ years we went to my hubby's family for Thanksgiving and me and our children were miserable the whole time. The last few years we have decided to do our own holiday, with our kids, and skip seeing the extended family. Celebrating the holidays are now a difference between night and day! Our kids are teen/young adults now, and we wish we would have done this years ago. So may I suggest next year spending it with him and not your family. He needs to be put first and in doing so he will feel loved and appreciated, I know I did :).

Sorry to feed into your fears but we have an instinctual nature that knows when something is not right, but at the same time you need to keep your emotions in balance or things can get way worse. Seeing a counselor is a good idea.

Sheryl :)
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Re: Am I being to sensative?

Postby Amy Joe » Sun Nov 28, 2010 6:51 pm

Well said Sheryl! I 100% agree with you.

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Re: Am I being to sensative?

Postby *Hope* » Sun Nov 28, 2010 9:33 pm

Ok, woah, you have given way more info now. Sounds like he's giving you a window into his feelings by telling you about the camera, what she wants, and how she's his best friend. Listen, YOU should be his best friend, and he should not be putting that much energy into his relationship with her. Did you go to the dinner with her and her BF? How did that go? How do you feel about him apart from this one subject? Do you still feel close to him?

I think it's ridiculous to spend that amount of money on her if you're not throwing that kind of money around to all of your friends on their birthdays. I don't see anything wrong with buying gifts for friends of the opposite sex, but they need to be appropriate gifts. Her BF can buy her the camera.

I would NOT make any more plans with them until you guys have time to sit down and have a serious talk about respect. It has to go both ways. The fact that he works with her makes this so much more complicated, and he can't cut all contact. That doesn't mean that he should disregard your feelings on the subject.

I don't think you need to give up holidays with your family. Maybe you could spend a few hours with them and then celebrate with your small family for the rest of the day. Listen, it sounds like you need your family right now and I don't think you need to distance yourself while your marriage is a little shaky. I also think you need to be strong and firm with your feelings if you're not being a controlling nutball. You don't need to be a doormat, and you don't need to try to become who he wants to spend time with. He already made that choice when he married you and if you're being reasonable, then he needs to straighten up. If you're being a crazy lady, then knock it off. ;)



I seriously think it sounds like you need couple's counseling. Do you guys go to church? Could you talk to someone there?
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Re: Am I being to sensative?

Postby aspen13 » Mon Nov 29, 2010 3:18 pm

Thanks all for the info. I do see reflags, and I tell my husband straight up when I see them. I did tell him the gift wasn’t appropriate and he agreed that he was concerned about crossing a line. At her Thanksgiving dinner party, he went outside with her boyfriend to talk about gifts (her boyfriend didn’t know she wanted a camera). After about 20 minutes I went outside to see how it was going. Her boyfriend seemed, annoyed. On Friday her boy friend texted my husband to let him know HE bought her a camera…ha!

I find it annoying that she would tell my husband she wanted a camera when he asked her what she wanted for her b-day (of course she said she didn’t expect him to buy her one). He is not her sugar daddy. I would never even tell my best friend of 24 years that I wanted a camera (or something as expensive); I always tell her I would love what ever she got me, or nothing.

I am in no way being controlling, though at times in the beginning I was a little crazy about it. I only set boundaries and let him know when he comes close to crossing one. With the gift I told him no way, but was open to other options. We are already going to Disneyland and its $80 a person to get in, that should be enough. I would never expect a friend to pay that much to go to an amusement park and still get me a gift.

There have been things said/done that have upset me I am honest with him, but also understanding and try to compromise on certain things.
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Re: Am I being to sensative?

Postby tennesseewalker » Tue Nov 30, 2010 5:03 pm

Ya know, the fact that he told you about her is a good thing. If he really wanted to cheat, you would be the last person he'd tell.
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