Oh the Holidays and all the family issues that come up

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Oh the Holidays and all the family issues that come up

Postby Amy Joe » Fri Dec 17, 2010 6:42 am

This really is not some much a vent but a place to safely put my feelings out there! I can't keep them bottled up...that's not good for me. Bonus you guys are like family and give really sound advice, although I am pretty sure I just put nails in this coffin.

I have changed my life over the past couple years. I let so much go, talk with family & friends about things I have done in the past....asked for forgiveness and we have moved on. I have so much family, love and support it really is awesome.

It's still my brother. My only sibling. His family.

My wonderful Mother keeps trying, wanting us all - her 2 children to get together. I honestly see where she is coming from because I have kids. What she has a hard time grasping is my brother is not a nice person....selfish, a biggot and judgemental. I am not even sure mom has a genuine relationship with Bobby beyond his kids & wife. On her part it is but his....I just don't see it.

Several weeks before Thanksgiving mom asked if I would go to Bobby's for a Christmas gathering even if it was after Christmas. I said yes as long as they agreed to come to my house next year and called me about it. Several weeks went by...mom would ask everytime we spoke if I had heard from Dede via email. I finally told her to stop asking, it's ok.

Dec 10th I got an email, not the phone call. I did not respond, hoping she would call. Dec 15th she sent another..."just resending in case you did not recieve". Sent me into peeved mode. I should have taken a valium and ignored.

This one I replied to. Told them I was not putting myself out there for the annual "have to invite" to keep my mother happy. That it's not ok. I was only interested in family / friend relationship that are genuine - caring. I reminded them of my reaching out to all member's of both sides of my family. Made ammends via phone calls, even to my only brother. That now we enjoy a complete huge family on DH's side with gathering all the time, calls of joy and concern.

I reminded them they only live 20 minutes away and have not once come to see me. Not even after surgery. Nothing.....and I have lived in my new house for 2 plus years. I have gone to their home for all the events they planned for my parents, hoping to get the reconnect flowing. It was like being a purple spotted sheep in an all white herd. I can't do it to myself anymore.

If they had only called..........I would have put myself and my family out there again.

I have been expecting a phone call, email...something. I have not received anything. Still talk with my mother every evening.

It hurts but I am proud of myself for expressing in a none over the top rammble. Direct and to the point. If they choose to tell mom, she already knows just how I have felt. Do not want to hurt her but at some point I have to stop this insane hurt to myself.

Amy Joe
MVA 11/05, Dx CM 7mm 1/06, PFD 10/07/2008
Occipital Neuralgia, POT's, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Vitamin D Deficient, Lymes, Celiac
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Tufts Medical in Boston
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Re: Oh the Holidays and all the family issues that come up

Postby wendi » Fri Dec 17, 2010 11:12 am

Sounds like you did the right thing. You are lucky that you have so much other family to enjoy the Holidays with Amy Joe. Mine are going to suck once again. Too bad you are so far, or I would just drive up there and spend Christmas with you.

Wendi
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Re: Oh the Holidays and all the family issues that come up

Postby razzle » Fri Dec 17, 2010 12:25 pm

ours will be just me and DH too . sigh
Once you choose hope, anything's possible.

Roz( Razzle51 or Rosalyn
Iowa
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Re: Oh the Holidays and all the family issues that come up

Postby chrisw » Fri Dec 17, 2010 2:26 pm

Amy Joe,

I wish they could have just reached out for your mothers sake. With age comes wisdom and perhaps in years forward they will become less selfish and mature. For now, you have the most important family with you, the ones that love you, and because of that you are lucky! It is their loss, not yours!

Anyways, its time for cookies and those make us all feel better!

Chris
SM, Chiari 0 (Rosner), Diagnosed 8/08 after car accident 6/08, Vitamin D deficent
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Re: Oh the Holidays and all the family issues that come up

Postby mbgc1 » Fri Dec 17, 2010 2:59 pm

((Amy Joe))) I think you did the right thing for you and your family , none of you have to be the wall flowers or sacrificial lambs..


Wendi and Ros..Come to my house for Christmas !!! It is a real invitation, no just a passing thought... Oh how I would love to have a full house to celebrate the holiday :mrgreen:
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Re: Oh the Holidays and all the family issues that come up

Postby razzle » Fri Dec 17, 2010 3:26 pm

:P :P :P :P thanks

I should say I have kids but when you live in the north midwest winter is just not the time to travel , or we would be going there. (Ark or Arizona )
Once you choose hope, anything's possible.

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Iowa
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Re: Oh the Holidays and all the family issues that come up

Postby *Hope* » Fri Dec 17, 2010 4:58 pm

I'm sorry you're having such trouble with your family especially at this time of the year.

Amy Joe wrote:If they had only called..........I would have put myself and my family out there again.


That's all it would have taken? Why let something so small cause more drama? She emailed and you didn't respond. She emailed again. That IS reaching out. Don't get me wrong - I hate emailing, but some people prefer it. You could have replied to her initial email with "hey, Dede, give me a call!"

Your requirement that she use the telephone instead of the computer is odd, and seems a terribly strange hill to die on. She's probably like, "WOW...i was just inviting her for Christmas, and now what?!" I promise you that she didn't see it coming. She probably thought she was being nice by resending the email, and now she has no idea what to say. I know there's a ton of history here and a lot of bad feelings, but I don't see what she did as being mean or insensitive.

If you put expectations out there like "you have to call me and emails don't count", then you're only setting yourself up for sadness and disaster. That's no good for you...not over something small like this. You may not want a relationship with him and his family, but don't let this tiny thing be the last straw and reason that you cut all contact.

I hope you guys get something resolved so that your family can enjoy Christmas without the elephant in the room. Family drama is the worst at holiday parties.

Hang in there.
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Re: Oh the Holidays and all the family issues that come up

Postby Amy Joe » Fri Dec 17, 2010 6:43 pm

Thank you all for kinds words. Both Bobby & Dede know I prefer phone calls, to not just me but my kids...they got lives and I can't relay for them.

Both are not of a techy world.

Thank you all again! Means a lot to me.

Amy Joe
MVA 11/05, Dx CM 7mm 1/06, PFD 10/07/2008
Occipital Neuralgia, POT's, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Vitamin D Deficient, Lymes, Celiac
NS: Dr Carl B Heilman
Tufts Medical in Boston
http://www.amyjoeonetoughcookie.blogspot.com
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Re: Oh the Holidays and all the family issues that come up

Postby hikealaska » Sat Dec 18, 2010 12:15 pm

Amy Joe,
I haven't seen my family for years on the holidays. Part of me regrets it. I have a "valid" reason. I am a district manager for retail. I cannot really travel on the holiday. The truth is I could leave Christmas Eve and spend Christmas and a few days after with my family.

Here is the caveat. I cannot tolerate my brother. It is a long standing discomfort around him. He is 4 years older than me. There were several occurrences where he tried to molest me. Luckily I was a scrappy kid who fought like hell and he never succeeded. I used to get in SO MUCH trouble. If he was home, I would stay out after curfew, etc. Anything to not be alone with him. Finally I told my family. I was mentally exhausted. It was the first time my father evr laid a hand on one of us kids. He punished my brother in the capital sense. After that my family thought I should just forget about it and move on.

Needless to say, I didn't.

So, as long as he is at the family gatherings I will not be. I feel as though my family is choosing him and all of his creepiness over me. They know why I cannot be around him. My Dad's funeral was incredibly uncomfortable. Having been the first time he and I were in the same place for more than 20 years.

Family issues can slowly eat you up inside. If there is a way to put it behind you, you should. I would love to feel closer to my family again. I will never understand the varying perspectives that lead them to still embrace him. It is as if they think all of it is my fault. I wish I could get past it.

Whatever the past, it would give you a lot of inner peace if you could reconnect with them.
Karen
"People don't get what they deserve. They just get what they get, and there's nothing any of us can do about it." - House
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Re: Oh the Holidays and all the family issues that come up

Postby June » Sat Dec 18, 2010 2:01 pm

Karen - Your words really touched me. I lost a family because of an abusive uncle, so I sort of know how you feel. Just remember that even though you can't choose your family, you can pick your friends. So focus on them at the holidays. It helps me.

June
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Re: Oh the Holidays and all the family issues that come up

Postby wendi » Mon Dec 20, 2010 8:49 am

Wendi2, I would love to come down there for Christmas and it would be more feaseable then going to Amy Joe's, but alas, I have to go to my BIL & SIL's house which would not be a big deal, but her family will be there and such white trash there never was, the kids are all brats and I feel a headache coming on already. Since it is my MIL's turn for the annual Christmas party this year, that is the day after and I have to go to that too. I don't mind spending time with my in laws too much, but my SIL's family really get on my nerves! I think I will bring my kindle and sit in a corner and read. Since I have to make an appearence, doesn't mean I have to make small talk with these ignorant people. Maybe I will sneak some vodka in and sip on that which might make the day more tolerable. Since DeeDee died on Thanksgiving, my Holidays are just ruined and my DH did not haul the tree up from the basement, so my home did not get decorated, only the office. Last year, I did not decorate the house cuz we went to Virginia to spend Christmas with my son and Mom. I just feel like my DH cares more about His family and their holiday then his wife. I am getting him an Iphone for Christmas so I am getting one too so maybe I will just play with that while I am there.

We had to go to my In laws last night for dinner as it was my FIL's BDAY, so that is 2 weekends in a row, Oh joy. At least the newphews weren't too bad, probably cuz Santa is coming soon, otherwise, they are pretty awful too, can't wait till them and their cousins are running and screaming thru the house. Gee, why don't I like the holidays? I am trying to concentrate on the true meaning of Christmas instead of what seems like the punishment of it.

Wendi
ACM 7.5mm B4 TCS 2.4mm post op
TC ,TCS @ TCI on 1/3/08,
chronic sacrolitis
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