Family Drama with my Momma

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Family Drama with my Momma

Postby tnglitter » Sun Feb 13, 2011 1:16 am

So I guess I should explain why I've been away and then just pop up in TN one day. When my husband and I separated, I moved back home to Ark. My mom bought a new little double-wide and put it on her property for me. (Never got put in my name although she made sure everyone we knew that she bought that trailer for me- it was mine - I could do whatever I wanted with it.....)

I am saving the details for a book (no joke), but it boiled down to my mother turning into a Severe Narcissist. She kept it hidden quite well, but I brought it out in her, ha. She HAD to control every aspect of my life and was extremely jealous of my friends, one of whom is my first cousin - the daughter of her sister. After a very LOOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGG road trip with the 4 of us up to Idaho - 2 weeks on the road - I saw her for what she truly was. She's a name-caller, jealous, all controlling *****. If she doesn't get her way, there's heck to pay for everyone there.

Skipping over many, many detailed encounters that were hurtful and just plain mean, I researched Narcissism when we returned from our road trip. The advice given for survival of living with one was either to mirror their behavior back to them or leave. So I tried the mirroring thing for about 3 years with her. Well, I guess that might work with some, but this woman is way too far gone and even when I told her what I was doing, she stayed furious at me. One at a time, I was punished by having little things that were previously available to me, taken away.

I tried my best to stay because while I was there, she was dx'd with ovarian cancer, though the tumor was in her uterus. I told her dr to just do a vaginal hysterectomy instead of trying to "clean it out". At that point her dr insisted it was NOT cancerous. The tumor had grown through her uterus wall and was in the lymph nodes and her blood stream. After 2 years, she's convinced she's cancer-free, although the cancer surgeons said it WOULD come back and there would be no treatment for it this time. She apparently was in another room while this was being explained as she KNOWS she's healed. Anyway, I knew she would need me and I really tried to stick around for that. She made it impossible.

It wasn't all miserable though. She provided fodder for tons of insider jokes and healthy laughter - unknowingly of course. Acted like a 7 year old most of the time towards me. The final straw was finding out about her decision of distribution of her land and assets after her death. I had told her all along the ONLY thing I wanted was the trailer and the land it sits on. No money, no anything else. My 2 brothers could have everything else as far as I was concerned. I just needed to know I would have a roof over my head.

Her land distribution after her death was basically one of my brothers would get 2/3 of the property and assets (including my trailer), and the other brother would get 1/3. I know I graduated from the public school system of Arkansas, but I did get that her decision left no thirds for Rhonda. It was to be her final **** *** from beyond the grave to me. My one brother would be in control of my life after her death and he's just as bad or worse. So that was it. I called her and told her I needed help with a math equation. How does 2/3 and 1/3 and 1/3 = 1? I told her I was leaving and then hung up on her.

I scoured the internet for housing prices in TN - I knew I couldn't afford Nashville, where my daughter lives with her husband and my 2 grandsons, but I wanted to move to TN to be closer to them. I am now 2 hours away from them in Winchester. Within a week, I had rented my duplex over the phone, sight unseen (talked with the landlord for an hour), sent the deposit on it out, hired the movers and got packing and moving dates for late in the week, paid my utilities and let them know I'd be moving, etc. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I was gone within 6 days of finding this information out.

I was so tired and stressed, it took me 23 hours to make a 10 hour drive. I kept having to stop at rest stops along the way to not only get out and stretch and take my dogs out, but I slept too. Had a couple of very scary near-misses on the drive and that convinced me I needed to nap at the rest stops instead of behind the wheel.

So anyway, that's why the sudden move to TN and as for my absence, I was dealing with her stuff, my stuff, plus organized a HS class reunion weekend at a local lake - camping. I was pretty busy.

For the sordid details, I'll let you know when I've got my book published. It won't be all gloom and doom though - some really hilarious stuff came out of all of it. I'm no longer in touch with "that woman" or her 2 sons. They are out of my life for good. I thought I could count on my brothers, but evidently not. They will never see me nor hear from me again. Too much emotional damage has been done and I don't need them in my life. I really believe that you should carve out the negativity in your life and stay in the light with people who really love and respect you. Positive energy only.

Rhonda
T Spine SM T8-T12 (9 mm) Syringopleural Shunt & Laminectomy T10/T11 5 Jan 09
C spine Disc bulges/canal narrowing/DDD
L spine Spondylosis/DDD

Mom of 3 daughters & MiMi to 2 grandsons & 1 granddaughter
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tnglitter
 
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Re: Family Drama with my Momma

Postby tinliz » Sun Feb 13, 2011 6:07 pm

Rhonda,
WOW.....you are one strong lady! And an inspiration to many of us for what you have been thru. If I lived closer I would come over and congratulate you in person for all that you have done to give yourself a better life.
Continue to take care and I look forward to that book!!

tinliz
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Re: Family Drama with my Momma

Postby lady 59 » Sun Feb 13, 2011 9:33 pm

Rhonda I don't "know" you but I want to say CONGRATS, there are to many of us who would just sit back and take it and not do anything. I give you alot of credit for having the courage to change your life for the better. I never went through what you did other than in a very bad marriage & that was hard enough to get the courage to leave. I wish you all the best & more.
Mary
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Re: Family Drama with my Momma

Postby tnglitter » Sun Feb 13, 2011 10:43 pm

Mary, been there before too and all these wonderful people whom I consider close friends (who else do you talk about your bowel movements with?), got me through it all. I have NO regrets though - for anything I've been through in the past 6 years or so. I'm in a good place now. And my "mother" has said (many times), that she has no daughter, but 2 great sons. Stand back once the daughters-in-law get clued in though - it will be HIGH DRAMA once mom passes. I've been saying for years I have to write a book about my dysfunctional family .... might be an on-going project 2 or 3 novels????? :lol:

Mary and tinliz, it's surprising what you can do when you have to - for yourself or for your kids. Sometimes I had to dig real deep, but always found "it" when I needed it. I'm no braver than anyone else on this board and quite a few on this board are MUCH more together than I am.

Thank God for this forum! :D
Rhonda
T Spine SM T8-T12 (9 mm) Syringopleural Shunt & Laminectomy T10/T11 5 Jan 09
C spine Disc bulges/canal narrowing/DDD
L spine Spondylosis/DDD

Mom of 3 daughters & MiMi to 2 grandsons & 1 granddaughter
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tnglitter
 
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Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2007 12:24 pm
Location: Central Tennessee

Re: Family Drama with my Momma

Postby wendi » Mon Feb 14, 2011 8:20 am

Rhonda:

Again, Welcome back! I am glad you are here where you know people like you.

Also, this is weird, but my best friend of almost 30 years is from Winchester. Now she lives near there. She had been working as a truck driver, but could not make any money so she parked herself and is taking care of some mentally challenged women. She was a home health aide before she started driving truck. She is 10 years older than I am. We have been thru a lot together, but is very strange that you settled in that particular small town in TN. Small world and all that.

Anyway, again, I am glad you came back to where you belong and moved too!

Wendi
ACM 7.5mm B4 TCS 2.4mm post op
TC ,TCS @ TCI on 1/3/08,
chronic sacrolitis
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Re: Family Drama with my Momma

Postby tnglitter » Mon Feb 14, 2011 8:52 am

Wendi,

Thanks for the welcome back - happy to be back here! I know where I'm wanted.

I chose Winchester because the rent is lower here (by about 1/3 of rent in Nashville!). The town itself is really very pretty - they're just finishing up major renovations in the square and all the shops are small "boutique-type" shops and the entire square on the outside got a really nice facelift. They've restored it to the original condition - lovely job.

The town itself is located on a lake - another BIG plus! Winchester shares a border with another small town that holds all the bigger name-brand stores and fast food places, so the conveniences of a larger town are here also. I've been here since August 2010 and just love this place. I rented a duplex - my neighbor is great (always a big plus), and I've hired kids from down the street to do the snow shoveling/lawn mowing and trimming and general upkeep of the outside. The landlord is just a good 'ole boy and really concerned about keeping me happy in the house. He had just renovated - something he's doing in each of his rentals as people move out. Real wood floors throughout, new kitchen, new bathroom, 3 bedrooms and all kinds of storage. He's even letting me put a doggie door in the back door for my schipperkes (I want a permanent fence put up first - using x-pens right now). Not too shabby for renting sight unseen.

Love it here and love being back with my ASAP family. Feels good! My oldest daughter and 2 grandsons live in Nashville so it was time I moved here anyway. I was missing out on too much.

Hugs,
Rhonda
T Spine SM T8-T12 (9 mm) Syringopleural Shunt & Laminectomy T10/T11 5 Jan 09
C spine Disc bulges/canal narrowing/DDD
L spine Spondylosis/DDD

Mom of 3 daughters & MiMi to 2 grandsons & 1 granddaughter
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tnglitter
 
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Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2007 12:24 pm
Location: Central Tennessee

Re: Family Drama with my Momma

Postby wendi » Mon Feb 14, 2011 9:05 am

Oh, yes, I have been to Winchester and it is beautiful. The area there is nice. I am not sure what town exactly my friend is living in, but she still has family in Winchester, so I know if not that town, then one nearby. We had a great time when I went to visit her. She was living in Murfreesboro at the time and we went to visit her Dad who has since passed away. I have seen the lake you are talking about and I remember a winery somewhere close too. We shopped in many of the little stores there. She used to live on Utility Rd in Winchester, but now I don't have her address as she has moved so many times. While she was driving truck, she kept her stuff in storage and stayed with her daughter or boyfriend, so I am not sure where she settled since she stopped driving. I know her daughter is a nurse and has horses. That is a great place to raise horses. Again, a real pretty area. I bet you are very happy there.

Wendi
ACM 7.5mm B4 TCS 2.4mm post op
TC ,TCS @ TCI on 1/3/08,
chronic sacrolitis
wendi
 
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Re: Family Drama with my Momma

Postby June » Tue Feb 15, 2011 2:17 am

Rhonda,

How do you do it? But I'm real glad that you've gotten thru the mess and come out the other side. Families can be real pains sometimes. (Some of my family members I surely could do without.) But your house sounds lovely, and you will be able to watch your grandkids grow up. Too bad your mom and brothers are missing out on having you in their lives, but sounds like they don't deserve you.

I hope things continue to go well for you in TN, and I'll watch for the book to come out!

June (a fellow Arkansan)
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Re: Family Drama with my Momma

Postby tennesseewalker » Tue Feb 15, 2011 5:34 pm

Just because you grew up with family members doesn't mean you have to endure them forever. You made the right decision to leave.
Mary
Genetic CM/SM (me, my son, my twin sister and both of her daughters), RSD of right arm.
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Re: Family Drama with my Momma

Postby marymac » Thu Feb 17, 2011 8:19 am

I admire your "can do" attitude. I'd do the same if I was stronger. Keep us posted!
Marymac
Central disc herniations C5-6 and C6-7, extensive syringohydromyelia cavity throughout the cervical & thoracic cord (large syrinx from C6 inferiorly.)

"Every day is a gift: Thats why it's called the Present"
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Re: Family Drama with my Momma

Postby Astralane » Mon Feb 21, 2011 2:08 am

Dear Hickschips,
as we say in Australia " good on you". I went through something similar with my mum,( she passed in 2008).
You will be much less stressed now... less stress means less pain!
I'm sorry you had to go through that though. You are very courageous. Blessings, Astralane.
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