I need some family advice

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I need some family advice

Postby Amy Joe » Mon Mar 31, 2008 7:47 am

You all know that we are moving into a much larger house. Here is my problem:

I have 3 kids, Steve is 24 - girlfriend Sara 24, David Jr is 23 - girlfriend Sheena 21, Elizabeth is 21 - fiancee Chris is 23. Then you have DH and I, this makes 8.

Plus I have 2 dogs and Elizabeth has 3 cats. Sara has allergies (low) with the animals, and hates cigerate smoke.

So when we were making plans to move Liz and Chris were planning to get their own place. With getting married they wanted to have their own space. I am happy for them both. Plus this solved the cat problem with Sara.

All 3 girls work 30+ hours per week and go to college full time. All the boys work 40+ hours per week.

Liz and Chris can not find an apartment that will allow the cats. She will not give them up as they are her babies, of which she can never have children!

The new house is a 2 family with 4 bedrooms in the second apartment on floors 2 and 3. It would be more then enough room for ALL the kids. Steve/Sara and Jr/Sheena will be on the 3rd floor and I thought Liz/Chris could have a bedroom on the 2nd floor.

This will not work becasue of the cats and Sara, so Liz/Chris can live with mom/dad. Now we have the whole cat/dog issue.

My 3 kids have begun to bicker about how to split up the bills, will this one chip in enough, well that one might not help enough. Urggggggg I just want to scream!

I am buying the house! I am giving them 7 rooms and 1 and 1/2 baths. All they need to do is pay their way with utilities and food. 2000 square feet FREE!!!! I pay the taxes, I pay the maintenance on roof, basement.

Why is this such a mess? Why can't they all get along. Each couple is so worried about what the other couple may think, say, do or not do. Both DH and I are fed up!

I just want to say OK now get out there and see for yourself what it's like to be on your own, don't come with us..........

Is it time for Tough Love? I feel like a failure as a parent. I have had several family meetings with all 6 of them and they just don't get it.

I want to say Dad and I are leaving and if you want to come fine, if not fine! Stop whinning! Enough is enough!

We have all lived together now for several years with only 1 bathroom and 1900 sq ft. Urggggggggggg I am steaming and I can't vent! Not to any of the kids because it will just keep it rolling...... I get the FINE we will get our own place, but it doesn't happen!!!!!!

The only ones suffering is DH and I and I don't think ALL the kids realize how much they hurt us!

Please send me the wisdom to cope with 6 spoiled adult brats! Whom I love but could just kick to the curb right now!

Sorry for the rambling!

Amy Joe
MVA 11/05, Dx CM 7mm 1/06, PFD 10/07/2008
Occipital Neuralgia, POT's, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Vitamin D Deficient, Lymes, Celiac
NS: Dr Carl B Heilman
Tufts Medical in Boston
http://www.amyjoeonetoughcookie.blogspot.com
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Postby dtyree » Mon Mar 31, 2008 8:02 am

Whoa, and I thought I had it bad with one!!! Ha!!

My only suggestion, you and DH come up with the terms, what will be the arrangements, how much will they owe, probably as a couple and put it all in writing. You and DH the Lessors and each couple the Lessees (I think that is right), each couple plus you and DH sign, could be month to month or year to year. Spell it all out and if they do not agree, out they go. Tell them you are tired of putting up with their crap. Either put up or shut up, this is the way it is going to be. And it will be tough on you and DH, but you are going to have to stick to your guns so to speak. I think Office Max has pre printed leases you can use. And when it is time for renewal, give them 30 days to sign the new lease, or out you go.

It might work.

Or, to take it to the extreme, divorce your family and move somewhere by yourself and say heck with it all!!!!! (Yea, right!)

Hope you have some level of success.

By the way, when do you quit Fording and start Toyotaing, hmm, a new word. Ooops!!! Did not see your other post, thanks

Peace,
David
Been called a "walking medical dictionary".
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Postby Amy Joe » Mon Mar 31, 2008 8:10 am

Thanks Dave, This sounds like it may work. Will look into the forms today.

My last day @ Ford was last Tuesday and my Toyotaing starts tomorrow @ 1mp.

It was sooooo much easier being a parent when the kids were small. They always got along so well. Always did what we asked, never any trouble, just a real joy to be around.

Now I shield myself in my room most days cause I don't want to be around them. I will always be there for them emotionally but as of late it is very difficult, they try to drag me into picking sides..... I ask them to please try and work it out with eachother. They always come back with "What do you think" Do you get where I am coming from"..... Urgggg Urgggg Urgggg....

Thanks

Amy Joe
MVA 11/05, Dx CM 7mm 1/06, PFD 10/07/2008
Occipital Neuralgia, POT's, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Vitamin D Deficient, Lymes, Celiac
NS: Dr Carl B Heilman
Tufts Medical in Boston
http://www.amyjoeonetoughcookie.blogspot.com
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Postby Amy Joe » Mon Mar 31, 2008 8:16 am

HC, thank you! I really do need to toughen up! I guess it all started from me being married and on my own at age 16. Always sheltered them and let them be kids, I guess for to long.

DH and I will have a hard job to do, but you are very right! My grandfather owned a junk yard and I got all my rat cars from him for years. he charged me! $200-$500 in payments and when I paid my bill he always gave the money back.

Thanks

Amy Joe
MVA 11/05, Dx CM 7mm 1/06, PFD 10/07/2008
Occipital Neuralgia, POT's, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Vitamin D Deficient, Lymes, Celiac
NS: Dr Carl B Heilman
Tufts Medical in Boston
http://www.amyjoeonetoughcookie.blogspot.com
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Postby dtyree » Mon Mar 31, 2008 8:19 am

A sidenote, They are adults, right, then start treating them as adults. They need to learn a little bit of life rather than staying under mom and dad's umbrella. It is about time they start taking on a little responsibility for themselves. Right? Shoot, any money you collect from them, pay off some bills or plan a great vacation for you and DH, keep it, you earned it!!

Oh, and I bet with that new house, you might be able to get further away from them, huh?

Another way to stay out of stuff, put a question back on them. If they say what do you think, you say, I really do not have an opinion, what do you think? You kinda stay out of all the mess.

Well, it's your last day. Hope your entertaining is great and that everyone has a memorable time!!

Peace,
David
Been called a "walking medical dictionary".
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Postby Amy Joe » Mon Mar 31, 2008 9:19 am

Just had coffee with DH and I opened up my concerns, to say the least he was very happy that I am ready for some tough love. He knows how weak I am at ever saying NO to the kids. He is also very patient with me and NEVER pushes me away, always my rock of strength.

Any how, we both are going to Staples today to buy the premade lease forms. Address it to the 3 kids with a dollar amount each. List a few rules for the apartment, parking and noise! We will not be saving the money for them but using it to pay off the private note we have on the new house.

They will be fully responsible for their utilities and inturn we will be fully responsible as landlords for the mechanics of the apartment.

We plan to present this to them on Wednesday evening. DH has said Hunny this is a take it or leave it! He wants me to be strong and if I can't then lean on him and he will take the lead.

The $$$ amount is going to be $200 per child plus their utilities.

He was so glad I came to him, he has wanted to bring up this subject but is so concerned with my health he didn't! I love him!

Thank you all so much. Truelly amazing how everytime I need help you all are there. I feel so blessed to have so many dear friends to lend a shoulder when I am down.

God Bless

Amy Joe
MVA 11/05, Dx CM 7mm 1/06, PFD 10/07/2008
Occipital Neuralgia, POT's, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Vitamin D Deficient, Lymes, Celiac
NS: Dr Carl B Heilman
Tufts Medical in Boston
http://www.amyjoeonetoughcookie.blogspot.com
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Postby kiminfla » Mon Mar 31, 2008 9:49 am

Amy Joe, So glad you have a solution -- and it sounds very fair, your kids should be thrilled! Your dh sounds like a great guy too...he and your children are fortunate and blessed to have you as well! Be blessed, Kim
CM - PFD 9/7/06
Life is mostly froth and bubble. Two things stand like stone: Kindness in another's trouble, Courage in your own. -- Adam Lindsay Gordon
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Postby Amy Joe » Mon Mar 31, 2008 11:03 am

I am ever so greatful for the advice! Yes my husband is a great guy. Even though he is a big kid! Playing Xbox 360 right now with his dorky buddies from all aound the country...

I will report on the outcome! I know the kids are going to be shocked! I never ask for anything, always give!

Say your prayers for me, I surely will need it.

Amy Joe
MVA 11/05, Dx CM 7mm 1/06, PFD 10/07/2008
Occipital Neuralgia, POT's, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Vitamin D Deficient, Lymes, Celiac
NS: Dr Carl B Heilman
Tufts Medical in Boston
http://www.amyjoeonetoughcookie.blogspot.com
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Postby bri23t » Mon Mar 31, 2008 11:08 am

tough love is not easy but they will all turn out better for it in the long run...our parents wont be around to 'baby' us forever so the sooner they learn how to be real grown-ups the better off they will be!...stick to those guns and if u find ur chambers empty stick to ur husbands guns...keep us all posted...good luck!!!
dx CM and SM 09/05, failed PFD 10/05
VP shunt 11/05
removal of cerebral tonsils 1/07
SM (through entire spinal cord)
TCS and EDS dx at TCI 4/08
TCS surgery 4/08, pfd revision and VP shunt revision 5/08
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Postby Snoozie » Mon Mar 31, 2008 11:18 am

Hi Amy, I will certainly say a prayer for you, I really believe that asking God to lead you helps in tricky situations like what you are going through.

Your kids need this just as much as you do. It will help them to accept responsibility for their actions and will also teach them responsibility.

I really admire you for letting them all live there while the wives/girlfriends finish school. Hopefully when they are done they will be ready to spread their wings and fly solo.

Hang tough and lean on hubby, he sounds like a great guy...Sue
Seek peace, and pursue it. (Proverbs 34:14)”
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Postby Amy Joe » Mon Mar 31, 2008 11:37 am

Thanks Sue!

I would do anything for my children, however I need to start viewing them as young adults. They have been my entire world and with my daughters medical history and future, well I get clingy to them.

I need this as much as they do. People joke (I think they are) that I need to cut the apron strings. Now I am not one of those controlling mom's. They come and go as they please. I don't make daily decisions for them.

I have spoiled them with giving my entire soul and love to them. Now I need to get tough and show them the real world......

Thanks. and I know my DH says thanks cause He says I never listen to him!!!!! :roll:

Amy Joe
MVA 11/05, Dx CM 7mm 1/06, PFD 10/07/2008
Occipital Neuralgia, POT's, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Vitamin D Deficient, Lymes, Celiac
NS: Dr Carl B Heilman
Tufts Medical in Boston
http://www.amyjoeonetoughcookie.blogspot.com
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Joined: Tue Jan 01, 2008 10:52 am
Location: Fitchburg, Ma

Postby dtyree » Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:30 pm

Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord. Blest be Your name above all others. Here stands Amy Joe in need of Your strength. Share this with her Lord as she and her husband make decisions they have not made before. Share this with her Lord as she and her husband deal with a difficult family problem.

Send Your peace to all that are involved and let all know of Your peace as it covers them. Let this be a transition full of Your love as a newness is presented. Let these children know it is your Love, a Love that never ends. And, after all of the discussions have been made, O God, let there be a joy that has not been seen in this household before. Let there be love and joy abounding from You, O God, that rings from this family and let that love and joy continue to grow for all to see!!!

Peace,
David
Been called a "walking medical dictionary".
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Postby preciousheide » Mon Mar 31, 2008 6:37 pm

WOW, what a mess! O.k. I cant give any advise, I am only 25, but it sure
bothers me to see parents who are trying so hard to help their children be treated so wrong.

I have been on my own now since I was 13, my parents havent offered a lick of help. I have wished and hoped and prayed that my parents would do what you are doing for your kids.

I just cant believe this......wow!

Im not sure what to say, but If I had the opportunity that they have, I would be so much further in life. Just a chance to save up money, get life straight, less stress.

Good Luck, from the bottom of my heart, I just hope they find it within themselves to get along with eachother, and to appreciate the opportunity that is laying at their feet.

Life is so much harder on this end, I am lucky to talk to my mom once a month. These guys could have a selfish mom and dad like mine.

Just know you are great and take a deep breathe, the answers will come...

Heide
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Postby Beverley » Mon Mar 31, 2008 6:55 pm

Amy Joe,

You might just want to have them read Heidi's post.

There is some perspective there for sure.

Heidi..

God Bless You. You may be 25 but you are much wiser at 25 then some people are at 40.


Beverley
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Postby georgiagal » Mon Mar 31, 2008 9:16 pm

Chiming in on this a little late, but you and DH seem to have it all nailed down. Though I'm not a parent myself, I completely agree with the tough love bit. I've been on my own since I was 19 and, yes, occasionally I have needed help. All my parents (dad/mom, mother/husband) have always been there. When I've had to borrow money, they have always been paid back in full.

With the ages of your children, it is time they learned that mom & dad don't equal a free ride. They won't have the coping or financial skills necessary later in life if they aren't forced to learn now.

Ditto on what Beverley said on them all reading Heidi's post. The world is not their oyster and they have it easier than most. If they don't appreciate what you and DH are offering, then out they go. Trust me, they'll appreciate what they could have had if it's not there for the taking.

Good luck on Wednesday, we'll all be waiting with baited breath to know how things went.

GG
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