Venting...

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Venting...

Postby aspen13 » Tue Aug 02, 2011 11:28 am

I am venting about a personal issues, but something I have also considered with Chiari. That is having a baby. I have been married 11 years (I am 29). My husband has stated he wanted kids for the last 6 years or so. Besides being young there have been personal issues that have delayed my decision to have kids.

Here is a timeline:
Married at 18 – my husband’s brother moved in with us when I was 19 and lived with us until I was 26.
We had marriage problems from the first couple years, my husband suffers from depression and didn’t get help until we separated for a few months back when I was 25. After giving the marriage a 2nd chance I was very cautious and wanted to continue to wait to decide to have kids to make sure things would work out, plus I was/am still young.

Then at 26 I had surgery for Chiari and have been healing and accepting my Chiari as a part of my life, as a chronic condition that is unpredictable and still causes me some problems.

Then at 28 I had hip surgery (six months) ago for a condition I have in both hips, only one hip has been “treated” and I am still healing with daily pain and setbacks.

When people ask if we are ever going to have kids my husband will tell them “no” because I (meaning me) don’t want them. I don’t think this is fair to me, considering the risks of surgery, and my concerns of passing both Chiari and the hip problems to the child. Not only that, but I worry that my Chiari will flare up due to pregnancy or birth and I will have a difficult time caring for the baby.

So I finally decided I will go see a OBYGN to talk about my concerns, nutrition, birth, pregnancy, etc. I think I am finally ready to have a baby. I told my husband last night and he told me he wasn’t sure if he wanted kids anymore. He said he feels he’s now too old, at 34!

I don’t think he is being fair, but I understand his frustration. I just know that he will continue to tells people it’s my fault we don’t have kids. I don’t think he’s being fair considering what I will have to go through to have a baby, in addition to being the one to care of the baby during it’s infancy. I also don’t know how I would handle the guilt if the child has Chiari or hop problems. I am not the type of person to rush into anything, it took him three years to convince me to get a dog, lol.

I feel like my husband is being selfish and saying that having a baby has to work on his time table and will blame me either way.

Thanks for listening.
CM DXed in 2004 - 9.3 MM herniation
Pineal Gland Cyst DXed in 2008 - 11 MM
Degenerative Disc Disease L5 and S1
Hyperreflexia
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Re: Venting...

Postby wendi » Tue Aug 02, 2011 1:23 pm

Well, you still have time as women have babies into their 40's now. Tho, I am so happy I had mine at 20, especially now with what is going on. As long as I have known you on here and only ever hearing your side of the story, your DH seems kind of selfish, so you have to ask yourself another question. Do you want to have his baby? Are you going to be able to take care of it while taking care of your health cuz it seems to me that if you don't feel well, he won't be available and he is a cop with cops hours. Do you see yourself with him the rest of your lives? This 2nd chance, how is that going? Is it fair to a child to bring him/her into that relationship? These questions and the others only you can answer. Many here have never felt better having a baby and others it did make them worse, espcially if they needed an epidural which can really mess you up. What about adoption? Although, I don''t know if they would let you being that you are sick, but it would aleviate the pregnancy problem and help a child who does not have a home.

This is a hard decision. The only advice I would give as being someone your Mom's age, is just make sure you bring a baby into a happy house, the rest will work itself out. Many CM'rs have kids and don't pass it on. That should not stop you from having a baby.

Wendi
ACM 7.5mm B4 TCS 2.4mm post op
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Re: Venting...

Postby aspen13 » Tue Aug 02, 2011 4:00 pm

Thanks Wendi. I have never ben baby crazy, so it's not something I had to do right away. Adding some relationship issues I decided to wait. My husband and I are doing better, we rarely argue, comminicate well, and try to share responsibility. He is on medication to control his depression, which does flare from time to time. That is something in the back of my mind - will he revert back to how he was in the past, and do I want to bring up a baby in a relationship like that. This is one reason I waited, then health took priority. I felt like I was finally in a place where my husband and I could seriously look at having kids, the first step being to talk to a doctor about my concerns. He has seemed bitter about us not having kids, I thought he would be happy...but I also felt months ago when I told him I wanted to see a doctor that he would either make the appointment or push me to make the appointment, which he never did. He would instead blame me for not having kids when anyone asked.

I know he isn't too old and I now feel like I am at a good age, for what I wanted out of MY life. 29 I think is a perfect age for me, and 34 is a great age - lots of people have kids in their late 30's and early 40's. He said he doesn't want to be 50 when our kid is in highschool.

As for his job, I do worry about that. I see parents who work opposite schedules to manage the costs of raising a baby, but they never get to see each other. I don't want to sacrafice my relationship for a baby either, I guess that is me being selfish. I think I would be a good mother, but I do at times see it as a sacrafice, while rewarding it's hard work.
CM DXed in 2004 - 9.3 MM herniation
Pineal Gland Cyst DXed in 2008 - 11 MM
Degenerative Disc Disease L5 and S1
Hyperreflexia
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Re: Venting...

Postby wendi » Wed Aug 03, 2011 7:58 am

Yes, those are all good things to consider. You have thought long and hard about this. I think maybe it is time to really sit him down and ask him again if he wants to try before it is too late. If he thinks he is too old now, how will he feel in another few years? Will he regret his decision? Even tho, he can say it is your fault, he will know you came to him ready to have kids and he said no. I can't believe he is worried about being 50 when the kid is in high school as that is the average age most parents are at that time, some are older, some are younger. Tony Randall had a baby at 74! Now that is way too old, I think.

But, since you say you communicate well, sit him down for another talk. If he adamently refuses to have a baby, then you may have to resign yourself to being childless and just concentrating on each other and your health. It wouldn't be fair to push him, when he let it go when you weren't ready. Maybe he will be in another year. People change in that amount of time.

Good luck!

Wendi
ACM 7.5mm B4 TCS 2.4mm post op
TC ,TCS @ TCI on 1/3/08,
chronic sacrolitis
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Re: Venting...

Postby aspen13 » Wed Aug 03, 2011 12:06 pm

Wendi, he actually never let it go when I wasn't ready. He would ask me about it, he would point to a baby and ask my why I wouldn't want to have one of those. I even told him at one point that I didn't want a baby and if it was important to him I would understand him wanting to get out of the marriage. He would bring it up at least once a month, if not more...

I told him I will make the appointment to see the OB and that we would go together to discuss it and that we didn't have to talk about it again until after my appointment. He needs time to think about it, but as he does I feel like I will get cold feet again. If we was more excited I would be too.

He is not too old. That is something he used to say years ago when I wasn't ready, that he didn't want to wait. I was kind of mean and told him if he wanted a baby so much he should have married someone a little older who was ready to be a mother.
CM DXed in 2004 - 9.3 MM herniation
Pineal Gland Cyst DXed in 2008 - 11 MM
Degenerative Disc Disease L5 and S1
Hyperreflexia
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Re: Venting...

Postby wendi » Wed Aug 03, 2011 1:43 pm

Oh, I see now. Well, you do have a plan. I hope he does go to the OBGYN with you and you get things sorted out. It is important to be on the same page when it comes to this. When DH and I married, I actually gave him back the ring while we were engaged. My son was grown and I had had a hysterectomy due to cancer, so they took out the nursery but left the playpen, if you know what I mean? Anyway, I told him, I was not going to be responsible for him not having kids. He is 8 years younger than me and at the time was 33. He begged me to marry him telling me there was no way he wanted kids. He had his nephew (now there are 2) and his ex had 3 kids, so he lived with those part time and found out he does not want them. He wants to pick up and go when we want and is kind of tight with money. He had to really talk me into it before I would take the ring back. I told him I would never forgive him if somewhere down the road he made me feel bad because he wanted children. We have our our weiner dogs, we had 3 but lost one back at Thanksgiving, and those are our babies. He is happy with our lives the way that they are and says when I become a Grandma, he will be happy being a Pappy.

Wendi
ACM 7.5mm B4 TCS 2.4mm post op
TC ,TCS @ TCI on 1/3/08,
chronic sacrolitis
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Re: Venting...

Postby tennesseewalker » Thu Aug 04, 2011 4:01 pm

It sounds to me like he's getting you back for not wanting a baby when he wanted one.

Go ahead and live your married life, and if it happens or if it doesn't, you'll be ok.

When I told my DH I was pregnant the first time, he didn't speak to me for two weeks. Now he can't imagine not having our kids. He's just as smitten with them as I am. And both of them were accidents.
Mary
Genetic CM/SM (me, my son, my twin sister and both of her daughters), RSD of right arm.
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Re: Venting...

Postby powerlineman » Thu Oct 27, 2011 7:30 pm

To me anybody that refuses to believe us and makes jokes at our expense is one that needs God.

As for you I don't think you've done anything wrong in waiting. I'm not a woman but would have done the same. Me and my wife lost one, but as bad as I'm getting these days with my SM I'm not so sure I was ready. I can handle a baby with help, but when my wife goes to work then who knows what I can or can't handle. She doesn't understand the fact that some days I have to will myself out of bed, she doesn't understand how I can lay down and NOT sleep, then she can't understand how I sleep until 1pm everyday even though I'll be lucky to be in bed asleep by daylight (that's not much even if I did sleep good that whole time). They never understand unless their life is like ours. I would talk to him about what you went through and why you didn't want kids at the time and how it was unfair for him to say what he did about you "not wanting" then he is doing the same now over an age instead of your reason of health.

If what you've said is true (I have no reason to doubt you) then you have nothing to be worried about. I still no have kids and probably will never seen one sadly. But if that's God's plan for me then so be it. I wont be happy about it, but will be glad he's letting me live instead.
SM only (C2-T1, T10-T12)-Cervical Post Operative Radiculopathy-Degenerative Disc Disease-Anxiety-Depression-Chronic Fatigue-Osteoarthritis-Bulging Discs (T5-T7)-Sarcoidosis-Spina Bifida
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Re: Venting...

Postby Beverley » Fri Oct 28, 2011 11:49 am

I may be way off base but I think that when he Knew you were not ready to have kids it was an easy dig to point to a baby and say “Why would anyone not want one of those?" He knew just how you would respond and just how much it got under your skin for him to say that to you?? He may not have really thought that he wanted or didn’t want kids for real because he knew where you stood on the matter??

I would think that now that he knows you are open to the idea he may have to really search his own heart as to if now he want children or not. 34 is certainly not too old to have kids. It is not like you will be trying to support a family on retirement… He if does want to blame you for not having children when “He wanted them” that he is really the one with the problem. I know for myself I have other neurological issues on top of my Chiari but even without that I am not sure I would be able to take care of a baby now. I am positive I would not have been able to when I was on the downhill slide waiting to get a correct diagnosis and then waiting for the surgery, and then waiting for more surgery to fix the herniated disc. Really just how much can someone handle at one time? Taking care of a baby is a full time job for two people. It is a lifetime commitment that you cannot just say. Hey I need a break for a while?? In my mind you did the right thing in waiting. There are no guarantees that you would be doing as well as you are.

Beverley
Decompression Surgery Feb 8, 2008 w/Duraplasty & Laminectomy C-1&2
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